emery_grace

And boy meets girl.  Instant attraction.  The building of a relationship.  Love builds and strengthens.  Boy and girl live happily ever after.

I am not this girl.

No, I'm the almost girl.  The girl that almost got the guy but then... didn't.  I'm the girl that put in the time, the effort, the worry, the hope.  And then the boy always chooses someone else.  The carpet always, somehow, gets ripped from under my feet. 

I'm the girl that gets the guy for just enough time for it to mean something to her, just enough time to prepare him for the next girl (the one that wins).  I'm the place holder.  Always have been, always will be.

And somehow, despite me knowing this conciously, I still get excited.  I still play along like this whole thing actually could work out.  I know better, I really do.  But I guess my heart and my head aren't exactly on the same page. 

I let myself hold on to the hope.  The hope that this time is going to be different.  The hope that this boy is going to be different.  The hope that somehow I'm a different girl.  And I let myself pretend that it's all possible.  And it's in the millisecond I begin to believe that that things change.

I'm a fool.

Ugh.... I'm hung over on a Tuesday.  Fuck me, I'm an idiot.  It was a terrible day yesterday and I wasn't thinking. 

Today's going to be terrible too.

I just would like to take the time to tell all the people that I have met on FF how much I love them.  So many of you have been such assets to my life and I love that I have gotten to know some of you as well as I have.  There's a small group of you who I talk to almost everyday and I started to look forward to that time everyday. 

However, I think a lot of me has changed and I am not the same girl that joined the Zac board in April or that started posting in the Zikki thread.  I'm sure you guys can tell that too. 

That being said, I think it's time I leave chat.  This is not a personal vendetta against anyone.  I love you guys all so much and it's not that I want to cut off contact with any one of you.  It's just that I am not necessarily a Zac fan anymore nor do I care about the happenings on the Zac board or what is going on between ships.  And while I know that that isn't what chat is all about, more often than not I find myself not able to relate to discussions as often as I used to be able to and becoming irritated.

But that's my problem, not any of yours.  I just felt that rather than leaving completely unannounced, it was only fair that I give an explaination as to why I won't be around anymore. 

I love you guys, and please don't be strangers.  I'm around via AIM (WhenItRains84) or PM or just in general on the Nikki board.  I don't want to lose any of you guys I just can't be at chat anymore and I hope that you guys can understand that. 

Things that I love: 
               Christi.  My sense of humor.  The giggles.  When my preschoolers laugh uncontrollably.  Shia LaBeouf.  Scruff.  Guys that don't try too hard.  Writing.  Harry Potter.  Looking at attractive men smoking (my icon should be a good visual aide).  Hips.  Gin and Tonics.  The 'F' word.  People who are honest.  People who would never intentionally hurt another person (Christi also falls under this category).  Dave.  Being ok with being single.  That things never change with my best guy friend, that I'll always be his girl.  Jim Halpert.  Cheese.  Feeling pretty.  New heels.  Sitting at work and actually being happy with where I am.  Unexpected fun.  Old friends.  Being appreciated.  Climbing into my bed.  Waking up and seeing that I still have hours until I have to wake up.  Really talented musicians.  Ryan Gosling.  Adam Brody.  The Breakfast Club.   Boys that play the piano.  Really good lyrics.  Mystery.  Dodger games in the summer.  Palm Springs.  Beer.  Sexy lingerie.  Zac Efron, then.  That the people closest to me know me better than I know myself.  Getting random "How was your day?" texts from boys who actually want to know.  My siblings, no matter how much I seem to hate them at the time.  Wicked.  Seeing past the bullshit.  Asparagus.  Sleeping.  The Cure.  The 80's.  Halloween.  Buying flowers for my best friends on Valentines Day.  Diet Coke.  People that say 'Suck it'.  Christmas lights.  The smell outside right before it rains. My rainboots. Stickers. Denny.  Tinkerbelle.  Feeling like my job has a very important place in the world.  Childrens literature.  Holding hands with my friends.  The feeling of a guys hand on the small of my back.  The guy at starbucks.  Any guy that opens the door for me.  Strapless dresses that look good on my shoulders.  My baby girl Dylan.  Pacey.  Good smelling boys.  Older men.  Summer nights.  British accents.  Dancing.  Simple explainations.  Moulin Rouge.  Musicals.  Hookah.  Transformers, specifically Bumblebee.  Knowing that I have a good heart.

Things that I hate: 
               Ketchup.  Ants.  Creepers who think it's their right to touch me inappropriately (yes, this includes biting).  My brother when he steals the remote and switches it to football.  Liars.  Cheaters.  My dads wife.  People who choose to only help themselves.  The new girlfriend.  Technicalities.  Zac Efron, now.  New Moon.  Breaking Dawn.  Ignorance.  People who blame others when they only have themselves to blame.  Boring weddings.  Having to talk to strangers.  School.  Homework.  Having to drop classes.  Old friends that turn crazy.  Being hot in my bed.  Bad teachers.  Shorts.  Talking on the phone (Christi is exempt from this).  Buying things I never end up wearings.  Manipulation.  Guys that are tools.  Dawson.  Lucas/Peyton.  Nate/Vanessa.  That I don't love the way I look.  Girls that wear too much make up.  Girls that don't wear enough makeup.  Girls that think it's ok to dress like a skanks.  The 'C' word.  Stubbing my toe.  The emergency room.  Getting stuck in the hopital room as my friend is starting to push out her baby.  Awkward conversations.  Rudeness.  When people are completely unable to see their own faults.  My best guy friends girlfriend.  Guys that think it's their right to grind up on me when I'm dancing.  That my brother dated my best friend.  My 'daddy issues'.  Strapless bras.  Idiots.  Meredith Grey.  That Harry Potter ended.  Waking up in the morning.  Cleaning the bathroom.  Going to the dentist.  Forgetting my lunch on my counter and having to go hungry.  Unflattering clothes.  Being fooled.  Sneaks.  Trickery.  Unhappiness.  Fear.  Girls that are insecure and try to pull others down with them.  People that try to weasel their way into things.  People that don't have good hearts. 

I was going to try and sleep on this, to not write when I'm so.... sick and tired of everything.  When I had cooled off a little bit.  But I can't wait.  I feel the fury and I feel like I just need to release it at this point. 

And yet, I don't know what to say. 

I feel like coming on here should be fun.  Talking to my friends on here should be fun and relaxing and a break from real life.  And that's what it used to be.  And now I come on and it's just not the same.  I can't pin point it.  I don't even want to try because I know that will just hurt feelings.  But the point is still the same.  Everytime I get on here, there is more stuff to be annoyed about.   It's proven even more stressful than real life. 

I can't say anything because there too many intricately woven threads that connect each one of us.  And despite hating this lately, I still don't want to cut anyone out of those threads.

I'm tired of drama.  I'm tired of the small spats that happen because of opinions.  I'm tired of people not talking to eachother or being honest.  I'm tired of people taking offense to things where none was intended.  I'm tired of manipulation.  I'm tired of bashing.  I'm tired of talking about Zac and Vanessa.  I'm tired of people not respecting opinions.  I'm tired of secrets.  I'm just so fucking tired. 

And before anyone gets all crazy on me for this, it's not directed at any one person in particular.  It's for everyone.  It's for me, too, believe me, I know I'm not innocent. 

I guess I'm just done with it all.  I find myself questioning a whole lot lately why I even bother to come back day to day.  Lately, it just seems like it's just simply not worth it.

I think that I have come to realize lately that I don't really have any body, in my real life, that is a good friend to me.  And I guess I just don't know why.  I feel like I try really, really hard to be a good friend, to be loyal and protective and compassionate and kind. 

But I don't even feel like my friends like me.  How horrible is that? 

This is the thing.  I'm better than that.  And don't get me wrong here, I'm not conceited or anything.  I just know that I am a good person.  I deserve to have friends that want the best for me and show me that always.  Not just when they need me. 

I have two best friends.  They tell each other things, they're going to live together, they are talking constantly, they purposely hide things from me.  They are good people.  I just don't know why it's like this. 

More importantly, I don't know how to make it better.  I don't know that things are ever going to change.  I feel like I have to choose between living like this, with friends that don't even like me, or having no friends at all. 

It's not that I don't have any other friends,  I do.  But certainly none that I would want to hang out with consistantly.  I'm picky, what can I say?  If I chose not to be around them, then I am choosing not to be around anyone because I don't like anyone enough to replace them.

One of them dated my brother a couple years ago.   And that was quite a blow to the friendship.  I don't know that we've ever fully recovered, but it was certainly starting to get better.  I told her that I couldn't be her friend if she dated him again or even started being close friends with him again.  Yet, now she just hides the fact that they are hanging out.  Even when I have blatantly told her not to hide it, that that would be what killed us again.

The other best friend... well... she just likes her better.  At least it's simple with her.

I don't know. 

I feel like I need to move or something.  Go to college somewhere else, maybe.  The problem with that is that I am terribly anti-social.  I would never make new friends because I don't care to. 

I don't know.

It's been a bad day.

My mom is a bitch.  However, I'm pretty certain most people say that about their moms from time to time.

One of my boys was behaved wretchedly today.  I wanted to strangle him all day long.

A girl spilled yellow food coloring.  On my brand new jeans.

A boy peed on me.  Actually stood there and aimed at me before I could get out of the way. 

The new lady that's working with me is doing everything in her power to make sure that I hate her.  Well, at least it feels like she is.  She ate my string cheese today.  Who would do that?  It was properly labeled and everything.  Perhaps string cheese isn't a huge deal but I really wanted it today!

I haven't been able to see any of Shia's interviews.

I have class.

I fucking hate today.

Some people take things extremely personally. 

I am an outspoken person.  I protect my friends when they've been wronged.  If I want to say something, I say it.  I don't sugarcoat things.  I'm not going to play nice just because someone is sensitive. 

If I say you have no life, that is what I mean. 

However, I haven't said that.  I wouldn't say that. 

I don't like when people make assumptions about my words.  When people say that I have implied something that isn't close to the truth.  I am always careful about my words.  I don't say things I don't mean.  I don't say things to intentionally hurt people.  I say exactly what I mean to say.  No more, no less. 

As ridiculous as it is that this even needs to be said, assumptions make an ass out of u and me.  And in this case it couldn't be more true.  You have created something that isn't there.  You have made me out to be something I pride myself in not being. 

It's rude.  It's inconsiderate.  It's selfish. 

And yeah, things fucking suck over here, too.

My grandma is 91 and they give her 1-3 more days.  Her kidneys are failing, so they say. 

It's what's best.  She hasn't been happy for the past couple of years, possibly even for the last decade.  She is a sad, lonely, stubborn, hilarious, apathetic, soft-hearted old woman.  And it's funny because that's just how she's always been.  Rude, stubborn, and funny.  The kind of rude that makes you roll your eyes but not the kind that appalls you.  It's not like she's just simply grown into this... shell of the woman she once was.  This is how she's always been.  And from stories from my dads childhood, it goes back to even when he was a kid. 

I remember going to her house as a kid.  Our backyards were connected with a gate and we were over there all the time.  She would always be sitting in the same place, her table, playing solataire with her old cards.  She would either be watching Matlock, The Price is Right, or golf.  I'd try to hang out with her for a bit, but would eventually get bored of what she was watching and go upstairs.  I'd go in her room and watch Baywatch or Soul Train on Saturdays and sort piece by piece through her old jewlery.   I would wear the bracelets and broaches and clip-on earrings and rings while watching bad TV in her room.  That's my best memory of her.  And it really isn't anything at all.

It just makes me sad to know that I never really knew her.  That she would never really let any of us know her. 

I'm not even sad.  And that kind of makes it terrible.  The most I can think about is how badly I don't want to go to the funeral and be with my Dads side of the family, including his wretched wife.

It's scary because I know how much I am like her.  Stubborn, mean, abrasive.  Not likely to show myself to you just to feel like I'm protecting myself.

I don't want my grandkids to not be sad when I die.

...And it is only half past noon.  Ugh.  You know those days where you simply wake up and feel terrible about yourself?  Today was one of those days.  And unfortuntely, I am definitely not PMSing.   All my clothes have gotten just a tiny bit too tight, enough to make me feell uncomfortable when I wear them, but not enough to be noticably too tight.  I really need to go to the gym, but I simply cannot force myself to get off my ass and do it.  My ex has been texting me, but only because he's been in Mississippi, away from his girlfriend.  And the texting will definitely stop when he wench of a girlfriend is back in the picture. 

I can't get finish my fucking 250th fic.  I really want to have something to contribute to the 250th because it's my first milestone but it really, really isn't looking too good for me right now.  And of course, the sex is the part I'm stuck at.  I've never had a problem with that before, that's usually my easiest stuff to write. 

One of my best friends has gone certifiably insane.  

Guh!